Maria Wachter is here to rain on everyone’s favorite horse-drawn parade: after careful observation, she’s come to the highly scientific conclusion that the Budweiser Clydes are a giant lie.
After lots of research, wondering and watching, I have came to the theory that the Budweiser Clydesdales are fake. They’re either a computer-generated holographic, men dressed up in those giant horse suits, or a hallucination from drinking too much coffee while playing with too many Breyer horses at one time.
How have I came to this conclusion, you ask? You probably think I’m delusional, but let me try and explain myself through a number of definitely scientific and provable theorems:
1. Those horses are WAY too clean.
I’ve had horses with white socks before, even without all the feathering that they have and either A: they are yellow from piss stains, B: they somehow always seem to get scratches or photosensitivity or C: a combination of both. Even after tons of different shampoos and scrubbing, they never have been anywhere as white-legged as their famous draft cousins.
2. The NEVER poop.
Come on, really, has anyone in the history of humans seen one of these beasts take a crap? The answer is no.
3. They are always happy.
They never have their ears back or swish their tails. We all know that is impossible for all horses.
4. They work together … really well.
I can’t even get my herd to hang out in a pasture together without trying to kill each other, and these guys are all working in unison, while pulling a wagon in front of the whole world. They’re always on their A game.
5. They look good on camera.
I’ve filmed my own horses and they all look like a bunch of stick-legged hippos on film, so it’s safe to say these horses are fake.
6. Whenever there’s a job opening available to take care of these massive beasts, people come out of the woodwork begging for a job — even people that work at fancy places that have pensions and benefits.
Yet for some reason most other horse-groom employment jobs only attract convicts, working students and soccer moms, if they can be filled at all.
7. They are way too smart.
If you’ve seen any Super Bowl commercials at all, you know that is some real acting there. A normal horse is no thespian. Comedian, perhaps. Actor, no.
8. They all look identical.
Seriously, this is a big point of pride to the Budweiser people, that their horses all match. That’s because they’re probably grown in a petri dish in a highly-secretive lab way up in the mountains somewhere.
So, after all this research, it’s safe to say these horses are definitely fake. Sorry if I crushed your dreams and ruined your lives.