10 Types of Boarders You’ll Have When You Run a Boarding Barn

Because running a boarding barn isn’t just about feeding horses — it’s about managing a full cast of characters straight out of an equestrian sitcom.

Running a boarding barn is basically like running a small, hay-scented commune full of four-legged athletes and their human caretakers. You’ll get a fascinating mix of personalities — some wonderful, some… challenging, and some who live in a mysterious realm of Venmo delays and misplaced halters. Here’s a rundown of the ten types of boarders you’ll meet if you stick around long enough.

1. The Treat Fairy (aka “Middle-Aged Ammy Extraordinaire”)

Their horse gets more bodywork than an Olympic gymnast. Massage? Check. Chiropractic? Weekly. Animal communicator? On retainer. Every item in their tack trunk is labeled with the horse’s first and middle name (“Sir Nugget Alexander”), and the treat bin looks like a candy store explosion. Their horse may or may not respond to actual cues anymore, but boy, do they look relaxed.

2. The Absentee

You haven’t seen them since last spring, but the board check hits your account with the regularity of a Swiss train, so you don’t quite feel the need to send the police out on a wellness check… yet. When the vet calls, though, they magically appear — often disoriented, clutching a latte, and vaguely surprised to find they still own a horse. No one’s quite sure what they do for a living, but everyone wants their job.

3. The Equestrian Dance Mom

She’s in full show-season stage parent mode. Her child’s horse has a custom bonnet, a matchy-matchy polo set for each phase of eventing, and a saddle pad embroidered with the child’s name (and possibly future college). Unfortunately, the kid still can’t pick up the correct lead or stop “posting at the canter.” But she will be the next Grand Prix or 1D champion — just ask Mom.

4. Nervous Nellie (aka The Hypochondriac)

If their horse blinks too quickly, it’s an ulcer. If they blink too slowly, it’s EPM. Every twitch is a symptom, every poop pile a potential crisis. You’ll find them hovering over stall doors with a thermometer, a flashlight, and a printed-out list of “Equine Vital Signs” they laminated from Pinterest.

5. The Know-It-All

Never mind the decades you’ve spent managing barns and studying equine husbandry — they read a blog once. They’re full of unsolicited advice on hoof angles, feed programs, and “natural horsemanship techniques” that involve a yoga mat and a wind chime. If you mention turnout schedules, they’ll start a TED Talk.

6. The Late Payer

They’re perpetually broke — except when it comes to Back on Track gear, saddle pads in every color of the rainbow, and themed halters for every holiday (including Arbor Day). Their horse has a full wardrobe, but your PayPal balance is still waiting for its monthly update.

7. Pig-Pen

You can spot their corner of the tack room from orbit. Half-empty supplement tubs, moldy saddle pads, and a bridle fossilized under a layer of dust. Their grooming kit? Somewhere under the pile of mystery laundry. Their horse looks great — but only because everyone else eventually feels sorry enough to clean for them.

8. The Ask-Hole

Constantly seeking advice, never following it. “Should I change feeds?” “What bit should I use?” “Do you think this saddle fits?”— and then they ignore every suggestion and do the exact opposite. But don’t worry, they’ll ask again next week.

9. The Googler (aka “Dr. WebMD, DVM”)

Every diagnosis begins with “So I was reading online…” They’ll argue with your vet based on something they found on a holistic Facebook group for barefoot Icelandics. If left unchecked, they’ll suggest essential oils for thrush and a moon crystal to balance hoof chakras.

10. The Unicorn

They pay on time, clean their stall, sweep the aisle, refill waters, and even help stack hay without being asked. Their horse is polite, shiny, and doesn’t bite anyone (including you). If you find one — never let them go. Offer free board. Offer your soul. They’re rarer than a sound 20-year-old OTTB with clean X-rays.

Which type are you — or which one haunts your barn aisle? Tag your favorite (or most accurate) boarder friend and let’s commiserate in the Facebook comments.