6 Things You Can Say About Your Horse (but Not Your Girlfriend)

“Do not try to incorporate these phrases while talking about your girlfriend. If you do, you will end up sleeping on the couch, deep in the dog house or, if you’re dating a barrel racer, you may not have a house because she may have burned it down.”

Anyone who surrounds themselves with horses knows that many of the phrases we tend to use can be spun. These puns meant for our horses can come off the wrong way if used in front of a non-equestrian crowd. Toward our horses, these are normal and completely acceptable things to say. But, using these same phrases in reference to your girlfriend sounds odd or just downright wrong.

The list of phrases that this accounts for is endless — we could make a novel with them all. Today we’ll skim the surface by pointing out six phrases which are normal every day language to an equestrian but appalling to those around you if you use them to talk about your girlfriend.

These are all meant in good fun. Enjoy, be entertained and feel free to laugh with us. 

1. She’s too big to put in the truck. Woo wee! Do not let these words slip out of your mouth in relation to your girlfriend — unless you want to be backhanded. You will be in the dog house for ages if you say this about your old lady, and if you’re dating a barrel racer, you might just come home to find that your house has been burned down. NEVER comment on your girlfriend’s weight. That should be in the boyfriend’s handbook (if there is such a thing).

2. The guy who had her before me did a good job training her. While this phrase is a compliment to trainers and previous horse owners, it is not a compliment to your girlfriend. We don’t want you saying anything about our ex that has a positive ring to it. I mean, they’re exes for a reason, right? We also like to consider ourselves untrainable and unable to be domesticated, especially if we’re horsewomen. Go ahead and try and use this in context to your girlfriend but don’t say I didn’t warn you when she rebuts with the argument that she had to house train you.

3. I wanted my friend to ride her to get his opinion on her. Yikes! While it’s common practice for a friend to take your horse for a spin, it is not a common practice for your friend to take your girlfriend for a spin. If your friend is giving you his opinion on your girlfriend in that manner, either you have a really open relationship or you have some real trouble. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that, in most cases, you have some real issues and the conversation is going to go south quickly.

4. She’s not the prettiest but she’s a good ride. Of course most of us prefer a horse that is competent at its job rather than pretty to the eye. A plain-Jane, bay horse that does her job well with no funny business is always what we’ll pick. If you have this same outlook when you pick your girlfriends, fine, but don’t say it out loud. Let me reiterate it, DO NOT say this about your girlfriend, even if it may be true. This goes back to the fundamentals of being a good boyfriend (I really should write a handbook for y ‘all). Do not make any comments on our appearance unless you want to fight. Be sincere and flattering while you’re talking about us, or else there will be no rides. There’s some food for thought.

5. She won’t quit trying to get me off. Ummmmm…to be completely honest, there may be something wrong with you if you’re speaking like this about your girlfriend. Sure, if you have yourself a feisty mare this may come out of your mouth a lot as she’ll probably be using tactics such as bucking, rearing, running you into arena walls and rubbing you against trees. I mean, you can say this about your girlfriend but it just makes you sound like you’re complaining and nobody likes complaining. Go ahead and use it if you want, but don’t be surprised if she stops trying.

6. She won’t hold still so I can mount up. This is a pretty common issue with horses. You try to mount up and it starts walking away or dancing to the side. Just when you think you have her still enough to mount, you go to swing your leg over and away she goes again. Using this phrase in relation to your girlfriend is just downright rude and TMI (too much information). We don’t need to know about all the odd quirks you and your girlfriend have behind closed doors. I could come up with a handful of interventions to aid in this issue, but I’ll just give you the hint that if you’re using this phrase, you’re really doing something wrong, bud.

If there’s one thing to take away from this it’s to mind your mouth. Use these phrases about your horses all day long but once you leave the barn, leave them there with your horse. Do not try to incorporate these phrases while talking about your girlfriend. If you do, you will end up sleeping on the couch, deep in the dog house or, if you’re dating a barrel racer, you may not have a house because she may have burned it down. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.