If Horses Were Drinks…

Two horses walk into a bar… Well, maybe not. But this may make you laugh anyway.


For every rider, there is a particular type of horse. Not all riders can ride all horses. We each have our own preferences and tastes — the same goes for the beverages we consume. But, what if our horses were like our beverages?

Here is a tongue-in-cheek look at what your horse would be if it were a drink (note: this is meant to be entertaining and light-hearted; take it for what it is):

Lite Beer. This is the grade or QH gelding (if he is registered, his lines aren’t overly impressive or known for anything). In the same way that lite beer is a staple at every bar for those who don’t quite know what to order or can’t stomach the heavier stuff, there’s this steady-eddy horse. He’s a good packer and does well at play days. He’s reliable, consistent, forgiving and a great fit for the casual rider. However, for the serious rider, he’s not her cup of tea, so to speak. And even the casual rider, like the lite beer drinker who discovers well-brewed Belgian triples or good IPAs, will realize his limitations once she swings a leg over something that requires a bit more subtlety and skill to ride.

Classic Gin Martini. This is your traditional dressage horse — a Warmblood, Oldenburg, Hanoverian or the like. His rider is a serious competitor and only the best will do. This horse is bred to do his job, and he does it well. He will be brought along slowly and properly, as a good horse should be. Both the horse and his rider know that you can’t rush things and know how to take things one step at a time.

Pixabay/Steve Buissinne/CC

Dirty Martini.  Dirty martinis are to classic martinis what Thoroughbreds are to Warmbloods. They’re typically not highly thought of by the traditionalists who prefer classic martinis and their Warmbloods — the ones who don’t like it when people order dirty martinis, but acknowledge that the people who do are usually a lot of fun at parties. Thoroughbreds aren’t for the complete traditionalists, but they compete at the same level and add a bit more flavor to a classic.

Wine. Red or white, these are your show jumpers. Like wine lovers, show jumpers are open to a number of varietals. The horse’s breed — whether it’s a Thoroughbred, a Trakehner, a Quarter Horse or another breed — matters less than its ability to jump high and cover ground. Like a good wine, there is an air of sophistication about quality jumpers. However, for the riders who are a little rough around the edges and like their horses the same way, there’s always boxed chablis served on ice.

Pixabay/Tesa Robbins/CC

Single Malt. This is your ranch horse. He’s focused, knows his job, does it without much fuss and doesn’t feel the need to brag to all his friends about how he performed that day (as horses will do, you know). This is likely a stock breed, but the breed matters less than a strong work ethic and an intelligence and attention to detail that can sort and hold a cow, find a lost one in a pasture or stand patiently while a fence is mended.

Vodka and Cranberry. This is the the running and cutting bred Quarter Horse that competes in rodeos and gaming shows. There’s no long slow warm-up with these drinks or these horses. Like their riders, they dive straight into action and don’t waste any time getting down to business.

Pixabay/Brigitte Werner/CC

Margarita. Gaited trail horses are the margaritas of the horse world. Margarita drinkers know who they are and aren’t afraid to be themselves; they know what they like and own it. Gaited trail horses fill this same niche. They’re smooth, they cover a lot of ground and no one is worried about whether or not their riders are posting on the right diagonal. They’re not trying to be martinis or single malt; they’re margaritas — they know it and they love it.

Whiskey sour. This is the pony of drinks. It’s not particularly sophisticated and most of us would really prefer something different, but many of us have been through our whiskey sour stages in the same way that many of us got started on ponies. And, like whiskey sours, ponies seem sweet at first, but too much exposure leaves you puckering your lips and with a serious bout of heartburn.

Four Loko. This is the rodeo bronc. It may be registered, it may not. Like Four Loko, what’s in it isn’t as important as what it can do. For these horses, what’s most important is its athleticism and desire to buck. They know how to party.


Did we miss one? What drink is your horse? Let us know in the comments section. And remember, Horse Nation. Go riding!

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