Horse Breeds to Complement YOU

A tongue in cheek list.


This is meant to make readers laugh and lighten up for a few moments. Enjoy!

Not sure what horse to get? We’re here to help you. Find the personality that best matches your own, and we’ll do the rest.

1. Control freaks

Quarter horses are great for control freaks. They love to take orders, they are for the most part submissive (except for those Hancock bred horses) and they have pretty good stall manners. You can even teach them to poop in the corner if you wish. Quarter horses have been so inbred over the years that if you do your research you can find one that actually has perfect conformation and no brains so you can do all the thinking for it. After all, YOU know best.

2. Laid-back stoners

You guys definitely need a Belgian. These horses have an insatiable appetite and lack all motivation. They are the laziest of all draft breeds and are as comfortable as a couch, so you won’t have to leave your comfort zone.

3. Stay-at-home helicopter moms

Ladies, please get a rescue horse, that’s headed for slaughter. Breeds such as lame, foundered quarter horses, half-blind Appy, and toothless, old Arabians are perfect for you. You can dote on them 24/7, feed them a well-balanced, expensive diet that costs more than your grocery bill and get away with it, have a reason to keep your dreamy vet on speed dial and when people are mean to you, you get a free pass, because you have a rescue horse and you’re better than the rest of the general, selfish population.

4. Overachievers

Shetland ponies are perfect for this group. They’re smarter than a three-year-old child and can even be taught to drive… a cart. These little horses will be the only breed that can keep up with your high standard of being better than everyone else. Now that they’ve been recognized as a service animal, you can even take them on airplanes. Nothing says “I’m better than you” than a pony on a plane going to Hawaii to accompany you on your latest essential oil startup company symposium adventure.

5. Schizophrenics

Do you hear voices on a regular basis? Do you see the FBI in your butter?

You need an Appaloosa. These horses can also see things that aren’t there. Plastic bag? Well, if you look close enough, you will see the mark of the devil. Water puddle? Definitely an Appy-eating black hole. Fly spray? A product of the government to quiet the voices.

6. Desperate housewives

Andalusians will fill your horsey fix. These beautiful beasts will make your neighbors jealous while you ride them around your Beverly Hills compound. Your CEO husbands won’t even notice — they’ll just assume it’s another phase you’re going through and not even bat an eye. You can be Lady Godiva at your next Hollywood Halloween bash, and when you grow tired of your horse, you can roach its mane and use it as human hair extensions. Your lady friends will be jealous.

7. College students

You kiddos need an Arabian. These horses live for like 30 to 40 years, so when they pass on, you know you’ll be near paying off your student loan. They’re hearty, adaptable, and the word on the street is that they can also survive on ramen noodles.

8. Retirees

Mules are what you need. These long-eared creatures are loud enough to alert even the deafest of you. You won’t have to worry about getting hurt; a mule will keep you safe (okay, they actually keep themselves safe, so they’ll protect you by extension if you’re still on their back after they freak out).

They are pretty healthy and won’t mind eating the barn if you forget to feed them once or twice in your old-age forgetfulness. Sometimes mules can be hard to catch, and excerise is exactly what you need now that you’re out of the workforce.

Go riding.

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