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Trainers Say the Darnedest Things

“You look like a frog in a blender!”

Horse trainers are a tough bunch. They deal with 1200-pound animals, PLUS have to be able to handle teaching a young kid that might be petrified of said animal, sitting on its back. They work outside in the elements, deal with disgruntled parents, disgruntled older riders, teach people how to ride and take care of their stock, all while maintaining a good enough attitude with a smile on their face long enough to keep their clients coming back for more.

That said, sometimes some really funny things come out of their mouths.

With the help of my friends and members of the Facebook group “Horrible Horsemanship,” I’ve compiled a list of funny things trainers have said. Feel free to ad to this list in the comments section.

“I said sitting trot. Not jackhammering trot… are you trying to find an oil well in his spine?”

“Spur that burro!!”

My old instructor would tell us to hold our reins like we had little gerbils in our grasp: “You need to hold your hands firmly enough to not let the gerbils run away, but not so hard that you squeeze their guts through their eyeballs.”

“That pony could pull Jesus off the cross!”

“You look like a frog in a blender!”

“Hips of a whore, posture of a princess.”

“Box all that up and take it to your therapist, we’re working right now.”

Flickr/Christine Leiser/CC

“Quit riding like a monkey humping a football.”

“More expression!” (horse pig roots around the arena) “Wrong expression!”

“You’re turning the horse into a moron, ridden by a moron.”

“There’s not a single good rider in the world who rides with their heels up; I don’t know why you think it’s a good idea.”

“Everything looked amazing until you got to the first jump.”

“Tuck those chicken wings.” (makes chicken sounds)

“Stop worrying about falling. The ground will always catch you!”

“But did you die?!?!”

Flickr/Louis/CC

“Wow, you looked really good… until you got on your horse.”

“Stop looking down! What do you think you ran over? A small child?”

“Please fall, I’m trying to win a bet with your mother.”

“Hold your reins out from your body like you’re holding a dead cat by the legs.”

“Wow, your horse looks even better when you HAVEN’T ridden her.”

“Look straight ahead, stop looking down at his head! If it falls off, you’ll know.”

“Quit being a pansy and get back on that horse!”

“If you talked with your body and legs, like you did with your mouth, you’d be alright.”

Go trainers. Go riding!

Flickr/Christine Leiser/CC

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