Having Horses vs. Having Kids

A tongue-in-cheek comparison.

Yes, we know you can have both. Pixabay/lymoni/CC

Read with a grain of salt. Children are our future, but the decision to have them is individual choice and we respect all choices.

When I was little I never wanted children. People always told me, “wait until you get older, you’ll change your mind.” Well, I’m 36 years old and yep, I still don’t want kids. Maybe I’m too selfish, maybe I don’t want to lose hours of sleep every night, maybe the thought of changing diapers and the smell of baby poo disgusts me, maybe I think the world is already overpopulated, maybe I don’t want to raise my kid perfectly and it grow up to be a despicable person anyways, or maybe it’s a combination of everything?

Here are just some of the reasons I prefer horses over babies. This is tongue-in-cheek, so please don’t take this too seriously (especially if you love being a mom or dad and think kids are the best thing that ever happened to you).

1. You can buy the “perfect” horse: the color and disposition you want. Height, weight, sex, personality. You can’t do that with your kid. Yes, you can get artificially inseminated and have a greater chance of getting what you want, but you still don’t know if that kid is going to grow up to be a genius or serial killer. Or both.

2. Horses are WAY cheaper. Yes, horses cost an arm, leg and your soul, but babies cost even more. If you think you only have to pay for your kid until he/she is 18, you’re seriously wrong and delusional.

3. If your horse has vices and behavioral problems, you can pay a trainer to fix that. If your kid has these issues, you’ll feel like you failed as a parent (when clearly you didn’t).

4. You don’t have to help your horse do homework or take it to soccer practice and have to deal with being nice to other soccer moms.

5. Horses won’t put you in a nursing home. (They may put you in the hospital from time to time, however.)

6. Horses don’t care how much money you have, if you have a drinking problem, if you don’t spend every waking moment with them, if you don’t buy them the latest toy or if you don’t read them bedtime stories. They don’t care if they’re in your will or not.

7. You can be totally selfish and controlling with your horse.

8. You can get a horse to make you feel better without any consequences. If you have a kid for that reason, you probably will end up in therapy.

9. You can “spank” your horse without ending up in jail. Sometimes they do need a swift kick in the pants (figuratively speaking).

10. If the horse doesn’t work out, you can sell it. No one will care that much. You, on the other hand, can’t put your kid on Craigslist, no matter how much you want to.

Go riding.