The 12 Mares You Meet In Life

Ah, mares: can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. Maria Wachter takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the twelve mares you meet in life — how many of them have you met?


1. Moody Mare: this mare changes moods on days that end in a “Y”. The weather, the temperature, the season, the holiday, the time of hour, etc, will cause your mare’s mood to flip like a switch on the wall. Every day is a new adventure. Every day it feels like you have a new mare. She will keep you on your feet and give you the impression that you own a herd of mares, when in reality you only have one. She makes you appreciate your gelding more and more every day.

2. Monster Mare: this is the mare that gives you, well, nightmares. She’s the reason your kids sleep with the nightlight on. You are stuck with her and can’t get rid of her. No one else wants her, and even the kill buyers would run for the hills. She keeps companies like Band-aid and Advil in business. Why can’t she be like your gelding?

3. Motherly Mare: this mare thinks she’s the mother to everyone. You find random baby pigs, cows, deer and bums nursing on her. She has raised her own foals and has raised twice as many orphan foals. She’s sweet, calm, and loving. She has a great mind, but 9 times out of 10, she’s too lame to ride. Unfortunately, all the sound mares seem to be monsters.

4. Mad Mare: this mare has her ears permanently pinned. If you look at her, she looks like she has no ears. She’s upset at the world. Nothing makes her happy — nothing. She’s even mad at her grain lunch, and apples and carrots really piss her off.

5. Manly Mare: this mare thinks she’s a stud. She whinnies like a stud, acts like a stud, and mounts other horses like a stud. She’s very confused.

6. Masochist Mare: this mare takes pleasure in pain — your pain. No matter what torture device you have for her — bits, spurs, whips, grazing muzzles, etc. — she actually seems to enjoy them (and doesn’t listen to them). She also loves to try to bite and kick you, especially if she has back shoes on. Trainers feel defeated when they meet masochist mare. She makes you cry yourself to sleep at night.

7. Merry Mare: this mare is always in a good mood. Not only is she in a good mood, she’s always even-tempered and consistent. She’s friendly, smart, and a hard worker. Unfortunately she belongs to the next-door neighbor and isn’t for sale, even if you had all the tea in China to offer for her.

8. Messy Mare: this mare is a total slop-house. She seems to poop all over her stall, spraying the walls with projectile diarrhea. When she’s in season, she also squirts her feminine juices over everything in a twenty-foot radius. She’s totally gross and loves to embarrass you.

9. Moronic Mare: this mare has an IQ of a turd. No matter what you try and teach her, she won’t learn it. She’s fifteen years old and still can’t even figure out how to drink out of an automatic waterer.

10. Musical Mare: this mare is very vocal. She whinnies constantly at nothing. God forbid you take her away from her friends. She is so loud between her pawing, kicking and whinnying she sounds like a one-man band.

11. Motionless Mare: most people with an untrained eye would call this mare “bombproof”. In reality she just doesn’t move. That’s because she’s a fiberglass statue in your front yard. She requires no food or attention and she’s a great babysitter.

12. Mindful Mare: this mare actually cares about you and your feelings and has been put on this planet with the sole purpose to make you happy. Just kidding … that’s your gelding.

Have your own particular species of mare to add to the list? Let us know in the comments! Go riding!

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