Our friend in horse humor Maria Wachter over at Blackman Ranch shared this compilation of equine archetypes with us and we’ve got to give her credit — it’s pretty much spot-on!
If you own horses long enough, you probably will come across at least a couple of these horses. I’ve broken them down into 10 different general horse types.
1. The Hard Keeper.
This is a horse you probably will find on Craigslist for free or almost free. You will go pick him up because you feel sorry for him because he’s skin and bones. The people trying to sell him will spin you a story saying they rescued him last month and have put so much weight on him already. You should have seen what he looked like before they got him! In reality they have owned this horse since birth and have invested their whole life savings in putting weight on him. They finally decided to cut their losses when they had to file bankruptcy after the horse ate them out of house and home. You will find this out the hard way after two years, two retirement savings, numerous vet visits, worming, weight builder supplements, beet pulp, dental visits, blood work and all the free choice hay he can eat.
2. The Easy Keeper.
The horse that stays fat on air. The horse that everyone wishes their hard keeper was.
3. Mr. Tender Toes.
All you have to do is think of the word “rock” and your horse limps on cue. You learn all about wedge pads, egg bars, laminitis and the mystical “navicular.” You spend most of your time riding the couch while your friends are out riding their horses because your horse is lame on every day the weather is nice and on weekends. The days you have to work or are locked in the house due to a blizzard-like conditions, your horse is magically sound. The upside is you get to go out on free yacht cruises that your vet and farrier invite you on since the amount you spent on trying to get this horse sound paid for not one, but two yachts.
4. The Alpha Mare.
Why get married to a person when you can have an alpha mare? She is a control freak that always wants her way. She’s an emotional roller coaster of sorts. Once in a while you’ll have a couple, peaceful, loving moments with her, but they will be short lived. You probably will swear to never own another mare again.
5. The Scaredy Cat.
This horse is afraid of everything, including his shadow. He will spook just to spook. He has a great imagination and will even make up things to spook at. The word “desensitize” is automatically saves in your web brower. Sacking out is something you do every day, it becomes as automatic as brushing your teeth. You’ll never look at plastic bags the same way.
6. Mrs. Accident Prone.
This is the horse that is always getting hurt. You know the vet and his family on a first name basis. Your horse even has her own personal stall at the clinic. You invest in bubble wrap to pad her stall then find out how much a colic surgery costs to remove bubble wrap from the intestines.
7. The Experienced Rider.
This horse likes to buck, bolt, rear, kick and bite, all the same time, under saddle. He makes you appreciate every time you don’t end up on the ground. He’s also an incentive to invest in a life insurance policy and the platinum Obama Care plan. He’s the reason why companies like Troxel, Band-Aid and Advil stay in business.
8. The Escape Artist.
This horse is a great icebreaker. He will introduce you to your neighbors, animal control and maybe even the police. You might even become famous when your horse ends up on the news running down the highway in rush hour.
9. The Stable Vice Master.
This horse might crib, weave, or pace, or maybe do a combination of them all. The upside is your horse will stay in shape from never standing still. The pacing will probably break down all the manure so you don’t have to clean his stall and the cribbing will save you money on teeth floating since there won’t be anything left to float.
10. The 7-year-old Bombproof Babysitter.
This is the horse everyone talks about. He is the reason why you wake up every day and shovel poo. This is the horse that has kept you from throwing in the towel and screaming F it all and going back to collecting Breyer horses. He makes it all worth while. But he is as elusive as the magical unicorn. Good luck in finding him, at least in this lifetime!
Well-played, Maria! Thanks for sharing. If you enjoyed this post, be sure to follow Blackman Ranch on Facebook here. Located about 45 minutes northwest of Las Vegas, the good folks at Blackman Ranch describe themselves as “just a couple of hillbillies that sell trail horses and mules” but they really do have some good-looking and sweet-sounding equines for sale, if you’re in the market. Even if you aren’t in the market you should go have a look — we ran a feature on their, uh, “unorthodox” sales pitch a few weeks ago. Go Riding!