“I’m Clearly Starving to Death…”

… and other things my horse thinks while waiting to come in to eat.

A very judgy — and clearly starving — pony waiting for her morning meal. Photo by DeAnn Long Sloan.

You know the look. The dramatic head toss. The demanding whinny. The intense, unblinking stare from across the field. According to your horse, mealtime was supposed to be yesterday, and this delay in service clearly is a crime against equine rights.

In this very serious exposé, one horse tells shares seven of his thoughts as he waits unendingly for his morning meal:

1. “I’m clearly starving to death.”
Despite having 24/7 access to hay, my horse is convinced this is the end. The last leaf of grass was consumed approximately six seconds ago, and now we’re on the brink of a famine.

2. “If I stare at the barn long enough, it will magically appear closer.”
Laser-focused on the feed room door like it owes him money. Telekinesis hasn’t worked yet, but hope remains.

3. “Why is that horse going in before me? I’m obviously more important.”
It’s not favoritism. It’s order of stalls. But try explaining that to a 1,200 lb drama queen.

4. “What if they forgot I exist?”
Full existential crisis sets in if dinner is five minutes late. Starts composing a tragic ballad titled “Alone in the Paddock”.

5. “If I paw, whinny, and toss my head simultaneously, they’ll feed me faster.”
He’s tried it. It didn’t work. But like any good horse, he believes in consistency.

6. “I’ve done my waiting! Twelve whole minutes of it! In the FIELD of AZKABAN!”
Somehow, your horse has a built-in hunger timer with zero tolerance for tardiness.

7. “I could definitely fit through that gate if I just believe in myself.”
Spoiler: they cannot. But that doesn’t stop them from trying—with flair.

8. “This is why I don’t trust humans.”
You were literally just one minute late, but now the trust is broken. Forever. Until dinner is served.