Why Santa DIDN’T Employ Chestnut Mares To Pull His Sleigh

Santa’s no fool. There are some very clear reasons why he went with reindeer instead of chestnut mares.

Picture it: Christmas Eve.

Santa’s elves — tiny, earnest, dangerously optimistic — standing in the snow behind the workshop with a sleigh, eight chestnut mares, and absolutely no idea what they’ve done to deserve this. Someone (probably an elf who has never met a horse) had said, “How hard can it be? Hitch them up and go!”

Five minutes in, one mare has spun in a perfect 180 and now is facing the opposite direction, ears flat, daring anyone to question her choices. Another has planted all four feet and discovered a previously unknown but deeply held moral objection to sleigh shafts. Two are flirting. One is convinced the jingling harness is a personal attack. The last two have quietly untied themselves and are now eating decorative wreaths off the fence.

The elves are cold, covered in snow, and learning (very quickly) that Santa did not choose reindeer by accident.

Image rendered by ChatGPT (because if there’s ever a use for AI, it’s this).

Because although chestnut mares are beautiful, powerful, and capable athletes, they also are… chestnut mares. And Santa, a man tasked with delivering billions of presents in one night, does not have time for that energy (let’s get real — he’s more of a bay gelding kind of guy; but Mrs. Claus, now that’s another story).

Here’s why reindeer were the only sane choice.

Chestnut Mares Would Unionize by December 1

Reindeer show up, get harnessed, and do the job. Chestnut mares would immediately call a meeting.

Questions would be raised:

• Why is she in the lead?
• Who decided this route?
• Are we being compensated in carrots and peppermints?
• Why is Rudolph getting special treatment?

Nothing moves until grievances are aired, resolved, and then re-aired for good measure.

Sleigh Bells Are Non-Negotiable

Reindeer hear sleigh bells and think, Festive. Let’s go.

Chestnut mares hear sleigh bells and think, Predator. Ambush. Absolutely not.

Cue spooking, snorting, levitating sideways, and one mare launching herself directly into the nearest snowbank while maintaining full eye contact with the elves. Another is ready to attack. Santa’s sleigh cannot arrive at homes already upside down.

Canva/CC

Flying Requires Cooperation

Reindeer fly because they agree, as a team, that flying is happening.

Chestnut mares would require:

• One mare who refuses to leave the ground “on principle”
• One mare who takes off vertically without warning
• One mare who kicks another mare midair because she looked at her
• One mare who lands early because she’s “done”

Santa does not need aerial choreography. He needs consistency.

Weather Happens

Blizzards, wind, cold — reindeer thrive in it.

Chestnut mares, meanwhile, would like to speak to the manager about:

• Snow touching their legs
• Wind touching their faces
• Cold touching literally anything
• The audacity of December existing at all
• Half the team would be demanding blankets, while the other half would be ripping said blankets off in protest.

Chestnut Mare Time Is Not Santa Time

Santa operates on a tight schedule.

Chestnut mares operate on:

• “We were ready five minutes ago”
• “Now we are not”
• “Wait, actually, now we are”
• “No.”

Delivering presents requires urgency. Chestnut mares specialize in selective urgency, usually reserved for moments when you’re already late.

Image rendered by ChatGPT

The Exit Strategy

Reindeer finish the job and go home.

Chestnut mares would:

• Refuse to unhitch
• Kick the sleigh “accidentally”
• Steal Santa’s hat
• Run off with a single jingle bell as a souvenir

And at least one elf would be crying.

The Verdict

Santa didn’t choose reindeer because they were magical.

He chose reindeer because they were reliable.

Because although chestnut mares are incredible creatures — bold, athletic, opinionated queens of the barn — they are not built for a no-nonsense, one-night global delivery schedule. They are built to challenge authority, test boundaries, and remind humans that free will is alive and well.

Canva/CC

Santa is many things, but foolish is not one of them.

And somewhere at the North Pole, eight chestnut mares are standing in a paddock, watching the sleigh take off, absolutely certain they could have done it better — if only everyone had listened to them.

We’re not sure how a bay snuck in there, but you get the idea. Canva/CC

Merry Christmas, Horse Nation!