Bessy the lesson horse gives us the inside track on everything your lesson horse wants but is too nice to demand!
From Bessy the Lesson Horse: Citizens of Horse Nation, let’s be real. Almost all you horse-loving two-hoofers at some point have been blessed by a patient school master who forgave your bouncing hands, your mismatched stirrup lengths, your awkward gangly teenage years when your torso hadn’t caught up to your arms and then you disappeared for awhile to chase BOYS instead of PONIES. Lame.
Then when you came back around as adult amateurs, we were game for that, too. We forgave your flabby core muscles and your rushed cool-outs so you could be home in time to make dinner for the fam. We’re just happy you’re happy. Really. We just thought we’d throw it out there that if you and Coach Tammy want to get together and spoil us a little for International Lesson Horse Day, we’ve got a few ideas for making some modest improvements in the life of your barn BFF. (Me. Duh.)
Suggestion #1: On-Site Equine Chef
I like my carrots sliced ‘ridge style’ and lightly baked, my hay steamed for 35 minutes, and my grain with a hint of molasses.
Suggestion #2: A Little Pony Pool Action
Equestrian training pools like this one are shown to build muscle and aerobic stamina without being hard on the joints. If I’m going to be giving lessons to you and your future children until I’m 31, is one of these really too much to ask?
Suggestion 3: A Theraplate Stall
Regular Theraplates are pretty cool, but I heard from Sassy who heard from Thunder that his old barnmate Kevin got a ligament tear, and Kevin got to go to Colorado State University for a week and apparently they have ENTIRE STALLS that are Theraplates. So I guess what I’m saying is, you can either just make me a Theraplate stall, or I can give myself sand colic so you have to take me to CSU for a month. Your call.
Suggestion 4: Sexy Horse Turnout Buddy
Enough of this gender-segregated turnout time. Sassy and Magnolia just gossip about nothing for hours, and it’s killing the brain cells I’ve filled with cue recognition and plastic bag desensitization. Is that what you want? For me to forget I’m not afraid of plastic bags in the middle of a leg yielding lesson because my brain is filled with nonsense about who pooped in the water trough again? TURN ME OUT WITH SEXY HORSE.
Suggestion 5: The SmartPak Deluxe Fly Bundle
You know how the flies annoy you while you’re at the barn for all of, oh, 7 hours a week? They bother me all. day. But they probably wouldn’t if you got me one of these magic little bundles! It comes with a fly mask, fly neck rug, fly sheet, and fashionable fly BOOTIES! They’ve been made not only to shield but also repel the bane of my existence, and BONUS: they also keep out 95% of UV rays to protect my skin and coat. But the real bonus is that Sassy and Magnolia will be SO JEALY.
Suggestion 6: Essential Oil Aromatherapy
Apparently this is totally a thing, so haven’t I gotten to try it yet? I’ll take some Yarrow Root for my allergies, Chamomile for my nerves after a first kid lesson, and Lemongrass for lesson retention, please!
Suggestion 7: Ten Minutes Mandatory Daily Itching
Look at that happy horse. See how happy he is? Now that’s a horse who is definitely not going to refuse fence three at the schooling show this weekend. For no apparent reason. If you catch my drift.
Suggestion 8: Travel in Style
You know that unlike that crackpot jumper across with aisle with talent and crazy oozing out his ears, I’m actually going to get on the trailer on the first try. So the least you could do is see to it that I travel in style on one of these bad boys.
Suggestion 9: Rubber Brick Walkways
Humans love a nice brick barn aisle, I get it. It’s classy. But it’s also slippery, hard, and shockingly unfriendly to the whole metal shoe gig. Which is why what we REALLY need in that new round barn with the exercise pool out back is rubber brick walkways. They give you the look, but they’re bouncy, absorbent, and grippy. Maybe you should ask Tammy if she can trade Sassy for some rubber bricks.
Suggestion 10: Bring on the lovin’
The great thing about lesson horses is that while we would certainly love all that other stuff, we’d really settle for this:
or a little bit of this:
Maybe try to work in the itching too, and we’ll call it even.
Hug a lesson horse, and Go Riding.