Best. Sales Video. Ever

I don’t know what kind of price tag they have on this horse, but I can’t tell you one thing: It’s not enough.

Reader Kristen forwarded us this ad for a horse named Woody (registered name: Santanas Lil Man) with the note, “Be sure to watch the video that goes along with it! Oh boy.”

Here’s the video:

While it’s well worth watching — the owner’s commentary alone is priceless — it is also 16 minutes long. If you don’t have time, here’s the basic plot in six acts.

Act I

Meet Zack and Woody. “We were getting ready for Halloween here,” Zack explains. “I thought I’d see if Woody enjoys scaring little kids as much as I do.”

Also, they are in a Walmart parking lot. Woody and Zach, now maskless, approach a random family unloading their shopping cart.

Pony ride from a total stranger costumed as a zombie serial killer just moments before? Why not!!!

Let’s pull that other kid on up here too.

People of Walmart, y’all.

Not surprisingly, the police show up. “It didn’t take long for someone to ruin my fun so I decided I better take my mask off.” Good call, Zack.

Act II

Cut to random footage of a horse that is not Woody competing in an egg-and-spoon race.

Who is this horse? Why is that girl wearing a tiara? What does any of this have to do with Woody?

Act III

Doesn’t matter. Now we’re out trick-of-treating. Woody seems suspicious of the kid in the horse mask. This is the most emotion we have seen Woody express thus far in the video.

Yet he is completely unfazed by the giant inflatable Halloween decorations.

He makes friends with a tiny astronaut. Cute. This horse is starting to grow on me.

Act IV

McDonald’s Drive-thru. Once again, Woody does not appear to give a crap.

Followed by a bath at the car wash. Classic.

Act V

Time to demonstrate Woody’s performance under saddle.

“How do we make him go?”

“Someone in the middle will have to kick.”

Just cantering around without a bridle, whatevs.

He will lay down for you to get on or off.

Is this horse even real?

If you hear something rustling it’s just me getting out my checkbook.

Act VI

Pan of Woody galloping off into the sunset, literally. Closing sales pitch from Zack: “Woody is only three-and-a-half years old and he has his whole life ahead of him. I think he’s a perfect horse and he’s only going to get better.”

Reactions, not necessarily in the order I experienced them:

1. Wait, wait, wait. HE’S ONLY THREE YEARS OLD?!?!?!

2. Yes, you are right, he is perfect.

I know that somebody out there wants, needs, has-to-have this saint of a horse. He’s being sold via a two-week online auction (the top bid at time of publishing this post was $3,700) — click here for more info. While you’re there, have a look around at photos…

…and video…

…of other horses Zack has sold.

Go Woody. Go Riding.