It’s not that I want to drive a truck — I HAVE to drive a truck, in order to haul to shows and perform various horse-ownership duties. But truck ownership has its pitfalls.
My cherry-red 2004 F250 (nickname “Roy”) and I have a love-hate relationship. When it’s just Roy, my horse and I cruising down the interstate with the windows rolled down, the music cranked up and the throaty purr of that big diesel engine all around us, I wouldn’t trade him for all the sensible sedans in the world. But the moment I unhook the rig and we re-assimilate into the real world of claustrophobic parking lots and speed limits, I want a divorce. Or at least an affair with a Mini Cooper.
Take this morning, for example. I headed to the barn for a quick dressage school before work and stopped by the gas station on the way home to feed ol’ Roy some diesel for breakfast. Immediately, I got hit with a trifecta of reminders why trucks are the worst:
#1. Cars hogging the diesel pumps when there are plenty of gas pumps open. It’s like beating someone in a wheelchair to the handicap restroom stall when there are six other stalls open — just bad form.
#2. Fuel price sticker shock. I know how much it costs to fill up my truck but the wallet-stabbing pain of seeing those numbers, time and time again, never dulls.
#3. And last but not least, a catcall from a guy in an F150 (I always feel sorry for those guys): “Hey! Your boyfriend lets you drive that big truck?” Real original, buddy. I’ve only heard that one about a thousand times.
Anyway, I spent the rest of my drive thinking about other reasons why, were it not for horses, Roy and I would be going our separate ways. In no particular order, here are the 20 worst things about diesel trucks:
#4. Just to be equal opportunity, let’s acknowledge that truck-related harassment isn’t limited to females.
#5. Although, seriously, what’s up with all the hyper-masculine, sexually-charged diesel engine names? Powerstroke, Cummins… um, ewww.
#6. And then there are the never-ending truck wars.
#7. And the fact that, technically, you share something in common with these people…
…as well as my least favorite demographic, people who drive giant trucks for no good reason:
To their credit, diesel-driving urban-dwellers have it especially rough. For example:
#9. The dirty looks people give you when you pull into a Whole Foods parking lot…
#10. …or up next to a hybrid at a stoplight. Quit judging me! Do you think I ENJOY spending $4 a gallon on fuel?
#11. Your truck earns a reputation in the neighborhood for scaring small children, tormenting dogs and waking people up when you get home late.
#12. You’re always the first person friends, family and distant acquaintances call when they need a hand.
#13. And it’s not like you can just lend them your truck.
#14. The unfortunate truth is: Your truck can move pretty much anything.
#15. So you help them, because moving is your superpower and with great power comes great irresponsibility.
#15. Other urban inconveniences include parking…
#16. …and having to turn the engine off and lean out the window when you pull up to a drive-thru. It’s almost easier to just go inside.
Which brings us to #17. You’re constantly tempted to do stupid stuff.
#18. You can be going 90 mph and it feels like you’re just tooling around on a Sunday drive.
#19. Sometimes it’s just too much power to handle.
#20. Careful, though, because everything about truck repair and maintenance is about 10 times as expensive as the car equivalent. At least if you have to sell your house to keep up with payments…
Got truck woes? Feel free to vent in the comment section below. Go Riding!