Madame Carrot Top, HN’s fortune teller from the Land Down Under, predicts your equestrian fates for the upcoming year.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Human — Don’t become too emotionally invested in the new farrier – after a run of nail pricks you will start to suspect that he is not ‘the one’.
Horse – I’m not saying that the good-looking horse in the paddock next door is wildly attracted to you, but I’m not saying that they’re not, either.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Human – Do you know the expression ‘dance like no one is watching’? Well don’t be fooled. Everyone is watching.
Horse – You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger, which will be very scary until you realise they are carrying carrots.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Human – The stars indicate that 2014 will be a good time to start a new hobby or learn a new skill. Maybe by December you will finally be able to braid a tail, or back a trailer.
Horse – Same goes for you, except your suggested activities are unlocking gates, and shimmying out of rugs without undoing any buckles or breaking any straps.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Human – 2014 will be a year of great change…. in your horse’s back, so keep your saddle fitter’s number on speed dial.
Horse – It’s time to wake up and realise that your rider’s chosen discipline is not for you. Take time to explore other options – have you ever considered skijoring?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Human – You will receive a financial windfall around April, possibly thanks to a horse called ‘Sergeant’s Pride’ in the 3 o’clock.
Horse – Your human will be coming into cash this year and will need some help to spend it. How many rugs can you destroy, or minor-yet-expensive injuries sustain before April?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Human – This year has the opportunity to be big on the romance front – the stars suggest you take more care of your personnel appearance (ie: try to change out of your filthy paddock clothes once in a while).
Horse – You are going to slide down a few rungs in the herd hierarchy this year, but things will pick up once your high protein diet and grueling training regime comes into effect.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Human – networking will be your key to success in 2014 – remember that gossip never fosters good relations, especially when you see your riding instructor’s wife spending some ‘quality time’ with the local chiro when she is supposed to be away visiting her sick aunt.
Horse – Your human is going to try to make you work really hard in 2014. I say ‘try’ because I know you’ve got this covered.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Human – Your lucky colours for 2014 are neon green and hot pink. I hope for your sake you don’t do hunters.
Horse – Take a walk on the wild side in this year to re-connect with nature. The stars suggest ditching your rider at the park and high-tailing it for the hills.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Human – Be wise with your money in 2014, because Jupiter something something Saturn something quadrant 4.
Horse – As your human will be under financial stress this year, help them out by faking acute pre-show lameness to save on entry fees.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Human – If you go to the corner of Sunset Blvd and Wilcox Ave in L.A. at 6:35 p.m. on the 16th of September, there is a high chance you will meet Meryl Strep and be invited to an A-list Hollywood party.
Horse – 2014 is a year for nurturing and reflection. Meditate, take long walks on the beach, realign your chakras… whatever it takes to re-discover the Inner Equus.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Human – Give something back to the community in 2014. Do you have a good signing voice? Serenade lovers in local restaurants. Heck, do it even if you sound like a strangled cat. It’s the thought that counts.
Horse – Should you chose to campaign for local council on a platform of ‘free peppermints for everyone’, there is a good chance you will be elected. Just sayin’.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Human – It’s time for the veil to be lifted from your eyes in 2014. You’ve suspected it all along, and it will finally be confirmed – we are all living in the Matrix.
Horse – Your human will be taken away by men in white coats this year, so enjoy his/her company while it lasts.
Carrot Top is a photo shy Australian who likes horses, riding of all disciplines, and colourful mis-matched socks. She and her mother each own 1 ½ horses (one cheeky young gelding, one wise older mare and another mare who frequently disproves the “crazy chestnut mare” stereotype). When Carrot Top’s family, friends, colleagues, strangers she meets on buses etc. have all tired of hearing about her horses, she turns to her blog Little Bay Horse. She was a horse-less horse-mad girl all through childhood, got her first horse at age 21 and has been making up for lost time ever since.
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