It is a widely-accepted equestrian truth that every ensemble-cast series hit will inspire countless comparisons as you and your barn friends try to figure out whose horse is what character. We’ve done the work for you with ‘Stranger Things.’
If you haven’t watched Netflix’s Stranger Things yet — both seasons — you should really get on that. There may be some spoilers ahead for you if you haven’t.
Which Stranger Things character is most like your horse?
If your horse is like Joyce Byers, he will display moments of confusion on a regular basis. It’s like he’s trying to figure something out, but then he gets distracted. Walking through a gate to get his food takes the brain power of a genius, what he lacks. He also will have some bad habits, like cribbing and weaving. No reason to fret over it, since fretting is what he does best.
This horse is 16 hands plus. He’s big and strong, and sometimes tends to react before thinking, but deep down he’s a teddy bear at heart. He’s probably a draft cross of some sort that doesn’t realize his size, and likes to swing around his head and knock people out… on accident… and forgets that stepping on your toes really does hurt you. Don’t worry, he will seem genuinely sorry after he breaks your toes… more than once.
A Mike Wheeler horse is high strung, finicky, and rather obnoxious. He constantly likes to be the center of attention, will throw a fit if you if you ignore him or her and gets insanely jealous if you give another horse any attention. This horse is an over achiever and can perform any trick you teach it, but will only work for treats. He thinks the world revolves around him, and it’s better if you just acknowledge this so you can move on with your new life title as “your horse’s servant.”
This horse has out-of-this-world talent but lacks social skills — like that really talented jumper that spooks at anyone wearing green, or that reining horse that can do crazy spins but won’t load in a trailer, or that barrel racer that is NFR quality, if you could only get it into the arena. Yes, your horse can pull down a barn, and likes to exhibit this skill every time he’s in cross-ties or standing for the farrier. If you could only channel this horse’s abilities, you’d be able to go far in life with it.
Oh, and he prefers Eggos over regular feed. He does have weird tastes in food for sure.
This horse is the class clown and probably has some genetic fault that makes him extra adorable: parrot mouth; pigeon toed, cow-hocked. What it lacks in looks, it makes up for in adorableness. This horse is loving, gentle and lets kids and Grandma ride without trying to kill them. This horse will lower his head for the bit, and get extra close to the mounting block for you to climb aboard. He’s definitely a barn favorite and has a very distinctive whinny.
This horse is full of adventure and is hard to spook. Words like bomb-proof, bullet-proof and idiot-proof are used to describe him. He’s very athletic and always has energy to spare, but he knows how to control himself and can look out for himself. He’s so independent, you would think he trained himself. He gets easily amused and loves to go riding with his friends but he can also be happy riding alone. He makes for a great first horse to own.
This horse is a nervous nelly and a spazz. He/she constantly spooks at stuff that isn’t there, i.e. ghosts and phantom plastic bags. This horse is hard to ride, and you need to lunge said horse for 30 minutes before climbing aboard. Constantly on edge, this horse is always prone to ulcers and colic. This horse will only eat certain hays that are organic and weed free. This horse is a hard keeper and has numerous vices. You’ve spent a fortune on vet visits, medications and slow-feeders trying to get your horse to be like a normal horse, with no luck. Deep down, you know this horse has a good heart and you won’t give up on him.
Your horse is probably a chestnut mare — or any color of horse that identifies its spirit animal as a chestnut mare, full of fire and snorts. She has bravery and spunk and a rather sour attitude. She preys on less superior mares and every gelding that she meets. She will kick the crap out of another horse during feeding time and not even miss a beat in between chewing her food. She’s very smart and will make your other horses seem stupid on a regular basis. Sometimes you will have moments of doubt, believing that she’s smarter than you, and it’s probably true…
This horse used to be a basket case or maybe came from an abusive past, but after years of training and love has turned into a trustworthy member of society. This horse will always keep you safe and have your back. He remembers how you saved him. You wouldn’t trade him for all the tea in China. He’s a keeper for sure!
Nancy, oh Nancy… If your horse is like Nancy, she will show symptoms of equine depression and lethargy and will act like she just lost her best friend. She will have deep, expressive eyes that look almost cartoonish. You will feel sorry for her and always try and cheer her up with excessive amounts of treats and praise. She will use this sad look to her advantage to always get what she wants. You probably even have hired a pet psychic to communicate with her, haven’t you?
This horse has drop-dead good looks, a flowing mane and tail and nothing between the ears. Think of a Friesian stallion crossed with a bump on a log and tada, you have a Steve Harrington horse. For as clueless as he might seem, he’s one of those babysitter types that you can trust your kids with. It doesn’t make sense, but you love it anyway.
If, God forbid, you end up with a Billy horse, we all feel for you. I bet you just found this gem on Craigslist for a killer deal? A beautiful, young horse, with great color and is registered to boot — score! Not! The people left out on the ad that this horse is loopier that your favorite breakfast cereal and loves the taste of human blood. Run, far far away, as fast as you can. A horse like this will only cause mental and physical pain to anyone who comes in contact with it. This is one of those horses that end up at a slaughter house and we all wonder how a beautiful horse like this could end up in one of those places… don’t worry, someone will feel sorry for it and rescue it.