HORSE NATION

Grand Prix horse? Trailer with living quarters? Mini-farm in Wellington? Here are five surefire ways to collect the cash you need to make your horsey fantasies come true.

1. Sell a kidney. It might seem like a big deal, but you only really need one, anyway. Kidneys go for… wait for it… approximately $262,000 on the black market. Think of the horse that will get you! If you’ve got some lesser debt floating around, say, a long overdue vet bill, consider selling your gallbladder–they go for around $1,219 and you won’t even miss it. Probably.

Potential Income: $$$$

2. Have someone’s baby for them. Downside: Nine months out of the saddle, plus the pain of childbirth. Upside: Surrogates can expect to earn $20,000-$30,000 a pop. If this isn’t up your alley, consider egg donation ($3,000-$5,000 per cycle). Sperm donation is less lucrative ($50-$100 per deposit), but weekly trips to the clinic will go a long way toward, say, paying the farrier.

Potential Income: $$

3. Lose the house. Do you really need a house, anyway? You’re at the barn most of the time. Downsize to a cheap apartment or, when expenses start piling up during show season, the backseat of your car. Invest part of the money you make off your house in a nice trailer with living quarters–problem solved!

Potential Income: $$$-$$$$$

4. Rob a bank. This one can be tricky but it’s a classic for good reason. Tips for a successful bank robbery: (1) Wear a stocking over your head, (2) Threaten to shoot everyone (but don’t, really, of course), (3) Enlist an understanding barn buddy to drive the getaway car.

Potential Income: $$-$$$$$

5. Marry into Big Money. There are lots of lonely, single millionaires out there just waiting for a hot girl in tight britches to come galloping into their life. The important thing to remember here is that you can’t be picky: looks, personality, etc. are all irrelevant. All that matters is the bottom line–their bank account. Besides, if on down the road you decide it’s just not going to work, you can always divorce them, take the house, and refer back to Strategy #3.

Potential Income: $$$$$

See, IT’S EASY!

Stay tuned for more episodes of “It’s Easy! How to…” coming soon! Previous episodes:

How to… Train Your Horse to Jump Through Fire

How to… Teach Your Horse to Piaffe

Good luck with your financing, and Go Riding!